Fearless.
Dating.
Not sure I could conjur up many more impossibly perfect word duos if I tried. It’s the ultimate “can’t live with it, can’t live without it” combination. Fearless and dating. Is it truly possible to put yourself out there and make your heart available to date while consumed with fear? Yet is it also possible to set up that dating profile, send that first text or step out of that car on that very first date without being completely and utterly terrified? Fearless. Dating.
I am by no means at all whatsoever in a million trillion years an expert on this one. I am just a girl who thought she’d be married forever who was suddenly faced with some stuff in her marriage to then find solace along with an amazing career on this very platform who then went through the exact same stuff again and finally found it in herself to file for divorce. Just a girl who now finds herself walking a path that feels so very opposite of it all. Having gone through heck and back now wanting to be there for you. And… I know that so very many of you were curious, are curious or are wanting to vicariously live through my post divorce dating experiences so you can conjure up the courage to do the same. I know so because I think my Instagram DM’s are stilling filling up with messages from women wanting to know the scoop… how I did it… how I put myself out there and how I chose to try and trust again.
I’ve written this post three times now. Every single time finding myself either a little too honest or a little too sing-songy inspirational-ish for my own conversational style of writing. I always want to be that girl who feels like a bestie and is open and raw and real about life but also always trying to find balance. Balance in remaning classy amongst an impossible situation and balance in focusing on the future while sharing enough of my past to make it all make sense. To make my story or my emotions in bits and pieces quite possibly at least somewhat relatable to that of your own. As in, how do you write a post about dating as a 38 year old mom of two without sharing about divorce? And how do you write a post about moving forward with hope and trust and an open heart without sharing pieces of the past? An impossibility but bare with me as I try…
I am divorced. The three words I’d always sworn I’d never say. And although it was the only three words that had changed in my life that Summer and Fall of 2019, it was as if everything had changed in me. It was as if the fears I still held onto the tightest, as I filed for divorce and then shared the news, were suddenly and shockingly blasted out for the world to see. As if the worst of times was somehow, simultaneously setting me free.
It’s a feeling that you haven’t a clue how you’ll handle until you’re right there living in it. And even still, if you have found yourself in the same position, each rollercoaster has a million different loops and twists. I remember chatting with a friend a few months back. We have a mutual friend going through a very similar situation and I always ask how she’s doing when we get the chance to chat. “She’s okay…” she said. “Hanging in there. She’s just always so impressed at how well you’re doing. Wishing she could feel the same.”
Everyone starts down this path at a million and one different entry points. She found herself on it a good seven years sooner than myself. Having found a strength inside that I personally cannot seem to comprehend. She finds me “impressive” and I find her to be a literal superwoman. A woman able to recognize her worth and her value at a point in life that I simply could not. And then there’s another friend of mine, much much farther down the path than me yet still unable to conjur the courage to move forward. To finally move on.
I say all of this to say that you may be at mile marker 1 or mile marker 100. You may be drowning in pain or so ready to start over that a new day could not come soon enough. Either way, I truly believe that there isn’t the right time or the perfect day. There isn’t a wave of calm that overtakes you and makes it easier to take that first step. Or make that first move. Whether it’s dating, starting a new career or making a difficult life altering decision, there will never be a “good” or “perfect” time.
For me, it was the Summer of 2019. The moment in my life where I was finally so determined to be fearless in the pursuit of what I wanted and what I deserved even if that meant being terrified at the steps that lie ahead. A mom of two young girls suddenly faced with a brand new path. The OPPORTUNITY to begin again. When just a few years sooner I’d seen this impossible path as a shameful new journey, this time I chose to see it as an OPPORTUNITY. I wanted to build my career bigger and focus on my girls even more and build a beautiful new life and somewhere deep down inside… what I wanted most of all was to one day find true love.
As much as pessimism wanted to get the best of me, I was optimistic that God had led me here for a reason. He’d carved a lot of paths for me along the way yet this one seemed the most certain. Having been shown time and time again that this is where I was meant to be, I decided to take it and own it and do my best to be my best self moving forward. If I am being honest, I think that was the most difficult thing for me. I finally felt I knew what I wanted, deserved, and needed yet everything in me screamed that well… every guy in the world is quite possibly the absolute worst. Okay, there I said it. Vague talk and inspirational thoughts out the window, the gosh honest truth was that I genuinely wasn’t sure my fairytale could exist. Would exist. Even so that I could actually even allow myself to get there.
I will never forget reading this quote. I had buried myself in a book (The Road Back to Me) about the Enneagram around the time of my divorce and I became hooked on learning more about my number and those around me. I found so much solace in understanding more of the why behind who I was and who I could be. I remember sitting on Pinterest all hours of the night finding familiarity and courage through quotes when I saw this one… “I do not desire mediocre love. I want to drown in someone.” As I read it over and over and over again, I thought THAT is exactly what I want. A love and a trust so strong that I feel anything but mediocre. About love or about life! A passion and a fervor so strong for everything around me that nothing could stand in my way.
I knew it was no small ask out of God and out of life. This idea that life and love could be that overwhelmingly amazing. I knew that if that’s what I wanted, it had to all start with me. The very same girl who’d only kissed one man in her entire life. The girl who had always considered herself a one marriage and done kind of girl. And the girl who had just been emotionally set up to fear everything and trust no one decided to put herself out there and simply see what He could do in me.
I guess all in all what I am trying to say is that no matter where you are along this path or how dark and burdened you heart may be, does your new life and your new path and even your new future partner deserve just a portion of you? Can you even remotely get to where you’re going or where you want to be with just half a tank of gas? Believe me, I was there. Subconsciously wanting to project onto any new man in my life the burdens of what had been laid upon my heart by another. Skepticism, fear and mistrust seemingly swallowing me whole. Yet all I could think about was that quote. How could someone drown in me if I am unable to drown in him? How can I expect anything but mediocre love if I am not dishing out the same?
I’ve truly sat on these thoughts for so long now. Every single day an attempt and a reminder of just that. The need to lead with what I want in return. Just as, if not more, impossibly manifested in real life as it feels in simply reading the words. This idea that as muddy as my emotional waters may be, I must start fresh. To cleanse the waters of my past to create the crystal clear seas of my future. For me, that’s been in writing. In sharing and in “counseling others”. In passing forward what has been given to me. In recognizing the harsh reality that what I want starts with me.
I write these words as I continue to speak them into myself. Girl… I will tell you right now that it’s never easy but I can say that it gets easier. It’s never straight and narrow but I will say it gets calmer. And it’s never a fearless journey but I will say that the fear gets more bearable. Every single time I forced a smile or a positive thought, the next time felt that much more natural. That much less forced. As if I was training for the 5K of life and every run was a push in the right mental direction. I get the sweetest messages almost daily from my literal tribe of amazing women on IG and my blog saying that they love my positivity. I will tell you right here and right now that that was a literal decision. Not a feeling or a gift or a revelation. If anything it was the revelation that above all else, life may be short and life may have sucked at times but at the end of the day, I want more. I want more out of life and out of love and I whole heartedly recognize that the “universe”/God can or will only return what I dish out. If I want someone at his best, I need to be my best. If I want contentment and peace and love in my life, I have to give it first and foremost.
It was the Fall of 2019, I’d had the most amazing Summer. This really strange combination of the worst and best Summers ever. My divorce had been finalized and although everything in me was terrified, mortified and ashamed, I knew it was best and I knew that my life had more in store. Thank GOD for 2019 over 2020 because I was able to get away with my girlies for almost six solid weeks and breathe that fresh European air into my soul. I had more girl’s night wine nights than I’d ever had in my entire life combined and Abigail and I danced the night away in Atlanta more times than I can count. I’d never been alone in my entire life and I wasn’t about to make this a first. I surrounded myself with everyone I possibly could. I dated and I wrote and I finished my retail store and then one night… Abigail came over with a bottle of wine and a devilish grin. She wanted to put me on Match.
More SOON!
XOXO, Brit
+ view the comments
