Remember Why You Started…
I am sitting in my living room with a coffee in one hand, a laptop in my lap and a pit in my stomach. Today is the day I have looked forward to and dreaded every day since I can remember. I just sent both of my angels off to school this morning. Not just any school, real school. The kind of school that leads to middle school then high school and then college. The school that makes my entire day silent and what I just know will be the beginning of years starting to flash by at the speed of light. The days are long but the years are short. And in an instant they are off. My days are no longer long so now the years will be that much shorter. I went to bed last night thinking about today’s post. Would I write about Haven or Aruba? Would I post house updates or the latest rugs I am loving? And then I got home just now and felt like doing none of the above. I just kind of felt like pouring out my heart. My thoughts and my revelations.
Over the last two months I have had a lot of revelations. Well maybe revelations sounds too fancy or important. Just thoughts and experiences and conversations that have changed my outlook and my plan. I will start by saying something kind of crazy. I was not cut out to be a stay at home mom. Yes, that sounds absolutely terrible but I just wasn’t. And I am now publicly admitting that to 250 thousand people. I have spent much of the last eight years feeling a crushing weight of guilt about that to be completely honest. Why don’t I love it? Why don’t I crave being at home all day with my girls? Anyone who knows me for a second can vouch for the fact that I am obsessed with Addison and Winter. As I sit here right now I literally have a pit in my stomach about today. I have almost picked up my phone ten times to call the school and double check that Winter made it to class from carpool drop-off. I literally just texted Mark to see if he thought she made it okay. As if he would even have a clue other than to think that once again I am crazy. My friends even call me a helicopter mom. I literally still to this day cut up every single thing Winter eats into minuscule pieces. And she is almost four. I pop into their rooms every single night before I go to bed to make sure they are asleep and still breathing. And I have probably told Mark every day for the last month that I am obsessed with my kids. They are so good and so sweet and I feel beyond blessed. Yet being a stay at home mom still is not for me.
Sunday evening I arrived home from an amazing week and weekend at a Shaw flooring convention and then the Haven conference. And for some reason I felt like those five days were the days that I finally figured myself out. Yes, I learned SO much about SEO and marketing and monetizing my blog and connecting with bloggers and with readers. Yet what I took away most came from the closing speech by Young House Love. I tried articulating my thoughts to Mark Sunday night and completely failed. I think he left our conversation more confused than where I began.
So let me try again… I finally figured out that I love connecting. When I was in the deepest depths of creating bedding for Addison’s Wonderland (the then bedding company), I was doing what I loved but still wasn’t happy. I thought I was. I was being creative and getting out of the house and making really beautiful things. I was on national television and was featured in so many amazing online publications. Yet I felt like Oz from The Wizard of Oz. This person behind the scenes doing all of this work and making zero connections. I never really had the opportunity to connect with people. Neither virtually nor face to face. But I thought I would love that. I am a self-described introvert. A social introvert to be exact. Which is literally the worst oxymoron ever. I need alone time yet I crave being social. Yet ONLY when I feel connected and comfortable. Basically, I would rather be alone than at a huge party where I barely know anyone yet I would choose being with people that I trust and feel connected to over and above all else. Confused much?!? So as much as I loved hiding behind that “curtain” just like Oz, I craved a connection. And when I dig really really deep I discover that THAT is why I started my blog. Because people were intrigued and invested and connecting to me and my family over social media. Because I started getting the opportunity to meet amazing people who were just like me. And as much as I say that I started my blog to share my passion, it all comes down to that connection. Because when I go to write a post, if it feels generic and forced, I am bored and lost once again.
So back to that closing speech at Haven… Remember why you started. I began because I love what I do AND I love to connect with all of you. It’s that combination that got me excited about this path. That made me feel alive and creative once again. Think back to what got you excited in the beginning.
Discover or even re-discover that passion. As much as I could grow my blog by doing DIY’s or projects or promotions that are “popular”, in the end they aren’t true to me. They don’t fuel the flame. As much as work is about money, it’s also about living and loving and being excited about tomorrow. My content is so much better and resinates so much more with my readers when it is true to ME. Define your purpose.
Next, have work and have a life and then have a little (key word little) gray area where they overlap. As soon as I find myself ignoring my girls to finish a post or start a project a little too much I start to resent my work and my path. For me, that means blogging my REAL life rather than creating a bloggable life. That is really hard to do in this crazy little world of ours. This world of blogging for a living. A world where the line is really blurred between life and work. Define times to shut it off. Silent your phone, close your laptop and turn your brain to family mode.
As Young House Love so beautifully stated, when you ignore that “muscle memory” of the routine and what feels comfortable, and truly define your purpose, your goals and your “plan”, you truly find happiness.
So what does that mean for me and my revelations? As I discovered at Haven, I am truly happy with a really great balance in my life. A balance of DEDICATED family time, of dedicated creative time and a chance to truly connect. To share my story, to inspire others and to sit on a hotel bed in my pj’s until 2am talking and laughing with friends who get me. Even if that means spending five days away from my family. Because when I got home, all I wanted to do was stare at them and cuddle them and pretend my virtual world didn’t exist. I wanted to truly LIVE in those moments. To be brutally honest, to live in those moments more than I ever did as a stay at home mom. Don’t get me wrong AT ALL. I have wished more than anything over the last eight years that I could be that mom. I have wished that I craved nothing more than sitting on the floor with my girls all day long playing pretend and eating goldfish. Oh and don’t worry, I DO NOT underestimate the hard work of staying at home. It is truly one of, if not THE hardest jobs of Earth. But for some reason over the last several days, the light bulb has finally gone off. I love my children and I love my job and that is okay. I will fulfill my dreams and showcase the God given talent that I have for design all while being social and meeting amazing people AND I will be a dedicated, present and GOOD mom. I will type and create and connect during the day and at 2:30pm every day (or maybe that’s 5 or 6 or 7pm for you) I will put it all aside and truly connect with my family. And as simple and easy and “dumb” as that sounds, it has taken every single bit of the last eight years to discover that. That even though I have been blessed with the opportunity to stay at home with my kids, I have chosen not to and that is OKAY.
XOXO, Brittany Hayes
Stephanie says
Wow! Just wow! And I L.O.V.E. this!!!! I feel so similarly in so many ways…
Brittany Hayes says
Goodness thank you!! So glad you can relate! XOXO
Devin Self says
And this is exactly why I am such a huge fan of yours. I’m not just a blog reader who enjoys looking at your pretty pictures and design, I love to read what you really have to say and see the person who is behind the blog! I am not a mom yet, but I can only hope to be the kind of mom you are! I absolutely love this post. You’re heart and hard work that you do for this blog shines through and it is a complete reflection of how great a person, mom, and wife you are! I feel so blessed to have found this blog and connected with you. I feel like we are similar in SO many ways- I am an introvert as well, but have recently taken a big leap of faith, stepped out of my comfort zone, and started following my dream all because of a post I read of yours one day. I would rather be alone than be in a big crowd with people I don’t know either. And that’s where you come in to play. My current job…lets just say I don’t think this is what I am meant to do and I’m not doing what I am capable of or want to do. I have re-discovered a passion of mine and am now currently doing an internship where all my dreams are starting to come true 🙂 This post means so much to me. Thank you for chasing after your dreams and giving us inspiration to do the same as well. You are impacting so many of us
Brittany Hayes says
Goodness girl make me CRY!!! You are so special and your words always mean the world to me. I cannot thank you enough!! XOXO
Denise Norwood says
Love Love ♥ So well said……and I feel the same way!!! I love my kids but I also love working…
Brittany Hayes says
Awe thank you SO much! What a doll you are! XOXO
Katie Jones says
Totally get it. ALL of it. Loved your talk at Haven and was grateful to close out the weekend with your inspiring words!
Brittany Hayes says
Holy moly thank you! Gosh that means the world! Thanks SO much for attending my class! XOXO
Bridgette says
Beautiful!
Darcy Potter says
Brittany I just love you more and more every time I read your blog! You seriously describe me in a way that I never could describe myself 🙂 I too have always said that I could never be a stay at home mom and that it is truly one of the hardest jobs in the world! I give so much credit to all those moms out there that love being a stay at home mom and do it well 🙂 I also love “social introvert” …totally me too! I am like you where I need my alone time but want to be in social gatherings but with people I know and trust. Thank you for always being so honest and transparent with your blog. I love that you are so genuine in every word your write 🙂 I feel like if we ever met one day we would connect 🙂 Hugs, Darcy Potter
Brittany Hayes says
Girl, you ALWAYS know how to make my day. Your kind words and the time you take to comment on my blog means the world! Seriously! And I hope so much that I’m able to meet you in person one day!! XOXO
Kathy Hayes says
Let me start off by saying I love your blog! You seem like a lovely lady and connect and am inspired by you on many levels (Maybe it’s because we share the same last name – Hooray for Hayes men!). You are so brave to be brutally honest and make yourself vulnerable to negative comments. I can understand that being a stay at home mom is not for everyone (or even possible for some!) and I’m not here to criticize you. I don’t know you and it is not my place to judge what should work best for everyone. I am a stay at home mom of 4 kids (7, 5, 3 and 1) and really enjoy it. My comment is not to make any one feel guilty, but just to offer another perspective. When talking with fellow mothers in my circles I find that the ones that really enjoy their life at home they tend to be more hands off or not or “helicopter parent.” It is quite amazing what kids can accomplish in their own if we leave them be. Yes, you do have to be okay with things not put away the “correct way” or with food and drinks spilling on a constant basis, but at least they did it on their own and they tend to figure things out with practice. Just like when you are learning anything it starts off shaky but over time improves more and more. I try to keep the perspective that we are in the trenches of learning about life. I’m not saying I don’t have bad days. I get frustrated. I lose my patience. I miss the days when everything was “just so.” My point is to just encourage you to consider to not helicopter so much and you might be surprised at how much more you could enjoy being at home. 🙂
Brittany Hayes says
First, thank you! I appreciate your comment so so much! I love a good “constructive” comment! And yes, I totally agree! And to be completely honest, that’s actually what I’m doing now. After several years of an on and off “nanny” I now “stay home” although my kids are in school. It was just literally impossible while they were at home to flip homes, do large interiors projects and attend events during the week. Now that I have dedicated “school” time (i.e. My love/hate relationship with school), I’m able to work until 2:30 and then be home with them after school. It’s the best of both worlds now! I think sometimes finding an outlet AND being able to do so from home is amazing! But I also think sometimes it’s not always possible and it’s okay to choose that option. And be an amazing mom! XOXO
Jennifer says
Brittany! So beautiful written! I enjoyed every second with you at the conference, but I loved you even more when I saw the loving wife and mother come through in our pajama chat. You truly are doing it all and your readers are lucky to have you as an example of what that should look like!
Brittany Hayes says
Gosh that’s so sweet Jen! Love you dearly my friend! XOXO
Stephanie says
Thank you for your openness and honesty. So many blogs are written by all day Stay-at-home Mom’s and while they are great it’s refreshing to get a different perspective from a Mom who works outside the home too. I have been both at different times in my life. Many Mom’s have to work outside the home due to financial reasons or just purely enjoy their jobs. Whatever the reason, we should be supporting one another instead of criticizing. Thanks again for sharing your story and how you balance life!
Brittany Hayes says
Awe thank you for that! Seriously! You are a doll and I appreciate that so so much. Such a hard balance for moms! XOXO
courtney says
Hey Brittany. It’s so funny you are talking about this. I just the other day mentioned to a friend that I am not cut out to be a stay at home mom. I am actually a stay at home working mom who has a furniture refinishing company for the past 6+ years. I am so thankful that I have gotten to be home and raise my kids and also “work” but I have been feeling this constant taste of dare I say resentment for awhile now were I am having a hard time with balancing it all. I want to do stuff with my kids and also get work time in but that never seems to happen and I get left with feeling like I’m on the back burner. I know the key is to find that balance because you are a better parent when you have time away and to show your kids how passionate you are about other things in life. I just hope to get there one day soon and I appreciate you saying it out loud too it doesn’t make us bad people.
Brittany Hayes says
So glad you can relate! And thank you! It is so so hard to do both and feel like you’re giving both your all but I do think it’s great for kids to see moms pursuing their passions when they decide to do so. Thank you so so much! XOXO
Sarah says
You are brave. I applaud you for your authenticity. I know it’s not easy being vulnerable (I have a blog too.) If you are interested the link is: Southernsplendorblog.com
Whitney Shortt says
We don’t have kids yet and I’ve been afraid to because I want a career and need a creative outlet and have been so afraid that I won’t be able to do both or do it well, so I totally get where you’re coming from. Thanks for sharing not just your home, but your family and your heart! Always a pleasure reading your blog, Brittany.