It’s Okay to Walk Away…
Hello my friends! Well, it’s been a minute. Or maybe like eight months now since I have written anything even remotely personal or deep or really even given you any insight into what has been going on in my little world. I mean… I find interior design to be all kinds of meaningful and important but then again, that WAS my college degree so it’s kind of my thing 😉 But y’all know what I mean. I’ve said it lots and lots over the years… these posts are my very favorite. My favorite to write and my favorite to share. The posts that share all of life’s ups and downs and all of the in-betweens. The posts that come from deep within my soul. The posts where my fingers cannot even type as fast as my mind is thinking and my heart is feeling. The posts that make me nervous when I hit publish. The posts that make me immediately call Abigail and my mom to read lightening fast to tell me if I am crazy and should rethink it all and try again. But also, if I am being completely honest, the posts that have given me purpose as a blogger. The posts that help me connect with each one of you. The posts that make me remember why I love this platform so very much and why I continue blogging and sharing my life with hundreds of thousands of people that I have never even met. Because I have a story to tell. From business successes and failures to trying my hands at everything from renovating homes to starting a brick and mortar store to raising my girlies technology free and traveling the world every Summer. I have shared it all over the years. And God has given me a virtual notepad to share it on. Yet to be honest, I have found myself frozen these last eight months. Completely frozen and unable to vent my own thoughts and my own life right here on my very own blog on my very own laptop in my very own home. I have been working on other things that I will share soon-ish but I just haven’t been able to do so here. I just haven’t found the words. And to be honest, I’ve always been made to feel that it isn’t actually my story to tell at all. But it is. And maybe, just maybe, there are lots and lots and possibly LOTS of women out there that need a woman strong enough to come forward and tell their story. To show you all that it happened to me but it’s okay and I’m okay and it’ll be okay. And not just okay, but the future will be wonderful and beautiful and bright. I’ve been telling Abigail over and over these last few months that I feel distant and detached from my blog and from y’all but I so don’t want to and I don’t mean to but I just don’t know what to say. But bare with me as I am now eight months in and I try to find the words…
Five years and three months ago now I hit publish on my very first blog post. Little did any of you know at the time, but this very platform became the source of so much healing for me. Healing from a year I had almost seven years ago now. It was my therapy. From these very pages and those tiny little instagram squares, I was living the quintessential American dream. Two beautiful daughters, a beautiful home on ten acres that we were in the process of renovating into our dream home at the time and a middle school sweetheart hubby. The only man I had ever even kissed. Oh and a dog. Two kids and a husband and a dog. Living the American dream. We owned a business together and were successful and all the things. That’s what I told myself at least. We had all the things and that made it all worth staying. That made it all worth everything I had been through. I think back and if I am being brutally, way too vulnerably honest, I was living vicariously through myself. If that’s even possible. I was living through what I wanted so badly for things to be moving forward from that dreadful year. What I hoped and prayed things would be and eventually “were”, so I thought, moving forward from something I never ever ever thought would happen. Living vicariously through what things could’ve and should’ve and even would’ve been if things had been well… different.
You see, eight months ago now I discovered something. Well, actually one of YOU discovered something and were amazing enough and brave enough to come forward and share. I am truly, genuinely, honestly forever grateful to that blog follower that I have never met. I still don’t even know her name to this day. But she was a friend of a friend. A friend of a VERY BEST friend who loves me dearly, her and her husband both, and they so bravely came forward with the impossibly difficult news the day after Easter this past April that they knew firsthand would completely shatter my life and my family and my world. Because well, they had lived it with me before almost seven years ago now. She had been my rock back then. One of the very few people in my life with whom I actually shared my story. My heartbreak and confusion and hurt. And that day, she was the one to share the news. The news that I knew deep down was coming. The news that things hadn’t changed. I thought and hoped and prayed that the words I was hearing year after year were honest and genuine and from the heart. I trusted that for almost seven solid years. But as I knew deep down, they weren’t and my world came crashing down once again. Y’all know how that saying goes and I guess unfortunately it is true. Yet this time I was a completely different woman. A woman full of confidence and faith and courage that was finally willing to walk the hell away.
I still remember that day almost seven years ago now. The same day I lived again this past April but I was a different woman back then so my story was much different. I was insecure that day six years and nine months ago. This was all way before I was a blogger or an influencer, before I was on Instagram. I was a new mommy for the second time. I was overwhelmed and I was blindsided. Truly, genuinely, honestly blindsided. I didn’t want to believe it but I did want to believe the lies. The lie that it would never happen again. That I was loved and adored and treasured. I believed it. So I thought. Here is a “little excerpt” from a post I wrote almost four years ago now…
“…And then soon thereafter our marriage and personal life was hit like a wrecking ball. It was all just too much. And in that moment, my fairytale was over. I wanted to give up on it all. Every single bit of it. I wanted to start over. Yet every single time I mentally tried, God intercepted. There are so many exact moments I can recount feeling emotions and living moments that weren’t explainable by any other reasoning than the hand of God saying don’t give up. It literally took every single thing that I had to get through that year. And every single thing I went through that year to fully open my eyes. To see that I was just going through the motions of what seemed normal. But I was stressed. My family was stressed and my marriage was stressed. The hard times continued. Got better but continued. We needed a fresh start and decided to move. I was so torn at the time. I’d loved our home. Loved our life. But I knew we needed a fresh start. I’ve determined that it takes hitting rock bottom to finally get to a point in life where you just don’t base your life on what other people think anymore. And I truly think that that is step one to fulfilling a dream. The day that I’d been through so much that I finally just closed the door on the portion of my brain that lived my life based on the assumption of what other people would think about what I was about to do (whew that was wordy!), I was set free. I obviously can’t say that I’m completely numb to every word and every thought made by someone else but I’m closer than I ever have been. That day was the day that I truly started to go for my dreams. The start to Addison’s Wonderland Blog was absolutely the day I “started” going for my dreams.”
Yep, it was a solid year of absolute hell almost seven years ago now but something in me told me to stay. And not just stay but to somehow also choose me. You realize in those moments and those days and week and months that putting all of your faith and your future into someone else’s hands just might no longer be the best idea. So I stayed but I slowly began to work on me. Myself and my career and my future. It certainly didn’t go from A to B quite as easily as it sounds but at some point about a year after my world came crashing down, I came out of the fog and decided to do this crazy thing called “blogging”. It was a literal gift from God. A way for me to write and connect and design. All wrapped up into one. A blessing like no other. Yes, maybe coming out of a terribly messy “almost divorce” straight into the public eye wasn’t the “best idea ever” but I honestly had no clue at the time what my blog would even become. It was just a little virtual notepad and design outlet for me at the time which was exactly what I needed to get through the days and months ahead. But was it all in His plan that I would go through so much and build this community of women along the way? I wonder sometimes. If my story wasn’t one that I was meant to share.
Fast forward to today and I truly don’t even recognize that girl that day. The girl six years and nine months ago now. The girl that believed it was all my fault. If I had been prettier, skinnier, smarter, more successful, maybe it all never would’ve happened. It’s so easy to take the blame. To live in so much embarrassment and shame that you feel personally responsible for a betrayal. I don’t know. Maybe it’s a woman thing. A mom thing. I felt the weight of the decision to break up my entire family unit over someone else’s indiscretion. So I stayed. I stayed and I tried so hard to be everything. Everything that one would want. Everything that I was told I wasn’t. Yet what I failed to see for so many years is that it was NOT my fault. And it wasn’t even about me. I WAS everything. I AM everything. I AM ENOUGH. I am enough for someone who sees my worth. Someone who respects me. No marriage is perfect, that’s FOR SURE. But let’s be honest, if it was all my fault or was really truly even remotely “about me”, I can think of no less than 7,999 different ways to respectfully throw in the towel. And that isn’t one of them.
I know for those of you who’ve followed me for years now, things have probably been extra confusing. It’s been a really really hard road to navigate these last eight months. I absolutely LOVE what I do. I love this platform I have been given. I love the opportunities it has given me and continues to give me as I build Addison’s Wonderland into my dream company. And I love the community of women here so so so very much but to be honest, I haven’t known what to say. This wasn’t the path I chose and it isn’t the path I intended on sharing when I started this blog five years ago now BUT this is my life. And as crazy as it may sound, this new path and this new life are the best thing I could’ve ever imagined and could’ve ever envisioned for myself. And that jump from “happy wife” to happy new life may not have made a whole heck of a lot of sense to all of you. And I get that 1,000%! Let’s just say there are some big ol’ gaps in that jump. Some really big, really deep and really really awful gaps that I’ve never ever shared. I can though truly, genuinely, honestly say that everything I shared these five years has been just that. Truly, genuinely HONEST. I was, what I thought, a happy wife living a happy life moving forward with faith and hope that this beautiful life we were building once again, was in fact just that… true and genuine and honest. I know I am skirting around a lot of details here just as I have done for years and years now with these posts because well for one, I have tried and will continue trying to handle this impossible situation with as much class and dignity as possible. I leave out 99% of the details to share my heart and my heart alone. To help anyone I possibly can get through their own impossible situation. Yet at the same time, I’ve had to keep telling myself that it is in fact though MY STORY. It is what I lived through and what I experienced and what was done to me. It is my story to tell. And although I haven’t shared much thus far, I have had literally THOUSANDS of women reach out to me. THOUSANDS. Abigail always jokes that I need to take up counseling because of the revolving front door at my home now with women who’ve reached out going through much the same as what I have been through. And then online. WHEW, online. So. Many. Messages. I wish I had the time to respond to them all but my hope is to share more here. Not necessarily to share the past but to share the future. The hopes and possibilities and the other side of a terrible situation. Where the grass is in fact ACTUALLY GREENER. A life filled with feeling worthy and enough and beautiful and respected and all of the things I have never deep down truly been made to feel before.
Shannon Norris says
I’ve followed you for many years! Your whimsical touch on your homes and beautiful bedding you had for your girls is what drew me in. I’ve prayed for you and your precious girls. I’m so happy that you are happy! You are enough and deserve that! Praying for new beginnings and the life you deserve! I know this blog will touch many people that need it!
Emily says
Thank you for sharing your heart Brittany, because it is beautiful! You are so strong and I have such respect for the class and dignity you have shown and continue to exude. Love to you, your girlies and Abigail!
Holly says
You are a light in a dark world that all need to witness. Thank you for your honesty and willingness to share. You have a virtual tribe of women supporting you! Xoxo
Patrice says
Thank you for sharing your gifts of prose and of course design. God gives each of us a gift or two and we need to use them for his glory. Thank you for sharing so beautifully. I’m sure that someone out there is going to be inspired to be ok.❤️
Amanda says
Good for you!! I am so so so proud of you and where you are personally!! I know this was not an easy post to write but you did with grace, professionalism and love!! So thankful to have stumbled on your blog three years ago!! Happy looks good on you! Merry Christmas!!
Erin Lloyd says
You were the first “influencer” I followed years ago!! I’m so so happy to hear you are in a good place! I admire you for sharing your story!!! You deserve the best!!!
Tina Newkirk says
Brittany
I have known you from a distance since you were in middle school. I adore your Mom and sister. You are Amazing for sharing your story. I am going through the same situation at this time after 33 years of marriage. Your words are so encouraging. I pray for you and the girls. Thank you for sharing your story. You give me a lot of hope.
Tina Newkirk
Anje says
Sending hugs and love. You are amazing.
Judy says
Some might say you’re lucky but I think you’re faithful and determined. And that takes a strong person. Everything you do shows your girls how
Strong and capable you are. You are showing them how they deserve to be treated and dreams can come true. Work hard and enjoy life along the way it’s all over too soon
Elana Golub says
Thank you for sharing. I’ve been following you for years now you have always been very inspiring with you designs and ideas. I’m a graphic designer and artist so I love following other designers for inspiration. I had my word turned upside down almost 7 years ago today just like you and it hasn’t always been easy but I am strong today than I was back then. Reading your story makes me want to keep fighting for what I want and to be as happy as you are now.
Tamara Andros says
Thank you for sharing; you could be a light for someone going through the same thing. I have followed you for years and your relationship with your girls and God are so strong yet gentle. God knew exactly who you were, what you were capable of, and how he would get you through it. I love your friendship with Abigail, the angel who showed up in perfect time. Sometimes we have to let go of people to free up space for who we need. Keep trusting yourself! Merry Christmas, it’s going to be a beautiful one for you!
Lorraine says
Thank you for sharing your heart. Nothing-nothing is ever wasted. The time you spent trying to make things work was just what you were supposed to do. It not only grew you, but also you’ll never wonder what it could’ve been if you hadn’t given it your all. We are responsible to God only and it sounds like you listened. As a result he grew you into a strong woman who respects not only herself, but her creator. He will guide you to your next steps because you have given him your heart. May the Lord continue to bless you and your girls. XO BTW- I just read, “It’s not Supposed to be this way” by Lysa Terkeurst. Excellent read
Candice says
I see so much of my experiences in your story and I truly feel excited for you and myself for an amazing future of loyalty, love, and laughter!
Magally says
Just WOW. I am so excited to see what’s next for you. This is so encouraging, and to see Gods hand it’s so amazing. I have not gone through what you have but I can take so much away from just reading and seeing your heart. ❤️
Melissa says
Through your hurt, you built wisdom. Don’t have a clue who you are (other than on here), but I’m so proud of you. You. You are a person and you are finally validating you! You deserve no less and your girls need to learn the same. Live out loud, girl. This is your time!
Fada says
Wow! And good for you! What an asshole. He gave it all away! Hope he regrets it now. A beautiful wife and two beautiful girls. I must say though, you hid it very good. As a follower I thought you guys were just The perfect family . I still remember your blog about how he was there for you when you had your surgery to loose weight!
Any whooo, glad your moving on and hope you have many years of happiness with your girls and your new loved one.
Debbie says
God blessed when you listened to Him to stick around and work it out the first time. Tip-toeing through the marriage after the first betrayal isn’t what He wants for you but He used that time to grow your faithfulness, forgiving spirit, and love for yourself. I know how it feels to feel free of that burden of tip-toeing and I can feel the peace you have now. Thank you for sharing your heart with class and restraint. That takes a lot of strength to not spill all the beans. May the new year bring you lots of great surprises and new beginnings.
Annie says
So glad you’re happy! My parents got divorced (my Dad was not faithful and he abused my Mom) when I was in kindergarten and my Mom married my Stepdad when I was in 2nd grade. Did I hate having divorced parents. YUP. BUT, I’m so thankful now that they did separate. My Mom left, showing me that the way my Dad treated her and us was not acceptable behavior. We were worthy of more. And praise God, my Stepdad is just the most wonderful man and he loved my Mom (she passed a little over a year ago) so well. They certainly fought and he wasn’t perfect by any means… but I was able to grow up in a household with a marriage I would be PROUD to emulate. I love my Dad, and my Mom never talked bad about him to me, but her actions still showed me that what he did was not okay and I deserve better in my future.
P.S. I was SUPER mean to my Stepdad at first! I needed him to prove to me that he was never going to leave or betray me. But he loved me unconditionally and now I have the best relationship with him! So if your girls are hesitant or even disrespectful, try to remember that they’re also learning how to stand up for themselves and choose themselves. They’ll get there and likely even be thankful for this change someday!
Kristal says
God is so so good! So happy for you! You’re bravery is inspiring. xoxo
Tamara lyristis says
Bravo!!! U R WORTH IT!!! Never believe anything less! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Deborah says
You are a beautiful person inside and out. Be proud of how brave and kind you are. Your girls are lucky to have such a great role model.
Bridgette says
You have pushed through these past years with grace although dying on the inside. Now, you are doing what you deserve, and still doing it with grace. That in itself tells so much about you as a person. God Bless you! You already know how proud I am of you for making those beautiful daughters priority. You are an amazing mother and deserve a life free of worry, regret, feeling less when you deserve so much. God was simply preparing you and giving you the strength & all the girl power you needed to accept, deal and walk the hell away and most importantly build your own empire & love of what YOU want for your life.
Xo, B
Maggie says
So happy you found a YOU!!! Divorce is the worst. But as my attorney kept telling me there is a whole new world out there… you just have to grab it!!
Darlene says
So very happy for you ! I have to tell you my husband had an affair in yr 5 of our marriage. I decided to stay because we had our daughter who was only 4 at the time. We are now going on 32 years and although I don’t think there has been any further adultry the fear that you spoke of …woiting for that heartbreak to happen again still exists to this day even after all these years. It really messes with your head and leaves one feeling very insecure in the marriage. I always said if it happened again I would be out of there. Thankfully it hasn’t happened again but the damage to me, to us as a couple is real! I wonder what I would have been like or what our marriage could have been without the heartbreak of adultry?
Anyway, I am proud of you for leaving & not being a doormat! You are young, beautiful, brave, talented, worthy and don’t deserve to be treated like Mark treated you! Shame on him!! He not only did this to you but to your girls!!
Julie says
I love following your posts. Having gone through a horrible situation 14 years ago that could be a lifetime movie.. you did the right thing for you and your girls. I made that decision for my daughter and I as well and have no regrets. It certainly was hell and not easy but you learn how strong you really are which makes you feel empowered. My daughter will be 16 in a week.. she’s my biggest accomplishment. Although the road has not been easy, I would not change my journey. Thank you for sharing your story. I wish you all the happiness and praying for you and your girls.
Heather Culig says
What would a girl do without an Abigail and her mom???!!!
Kelly says
Girrrrl I would had never known that you where going through this! I’m sorry. I’m so happy that you know the Lord because as you have already experienced he will carry you through it all!!! You are beautiful inside and out and God has given you an amazing gift! Matt: 6:33 my favorite verse that has gotten me through everything! Love you sister in Christ and stay strong and know that you are always worthy, and you are a beautiful child of God! Also…. I love everything that you do To your home and your store and what a great momma you are!! ❤️ Xo
Merry Christmas
Jen says
Oh my goodness. This was my reality (although at a much different stage of life and relationship) 10 years ago. My fiancé cheated with a co-worker. He denied, then when he couldn’t deny, he apologized and pleaded. I forgave him temporarily but knew I’d never really be able to get over it. Gave him the ring back and he married the “mistake” within 6 months…. Then he cheated on her (gee, if only she’d had some clue that he wasn’t capable of being faithful).
In the ultimate full circle moment, I met my wonderful now-husband and the father of my children on what would have been my wedding day. I shudder to think what life would look like if I hadn’t walked away!! Blessings to you and your girls. Life is too short to be anything but the happiest you have the power to be!
Shannon says
Thank you for being so open, honest and brave to share your story! Wishing you and your girls all the best moving forward into a life full of love and respect that you deserve!
Ali Lawlor says
I am so very happy for you. I am chuffed to bits that you have found someone and hope that he will spoil you rotten and treat you in the manner in which you deserve. Have fun Brittany because this life is not a rehearsal it’s the real deal so, have fun, laugh and be happy. Best wishes, Ali x
Karen Gillingham says
Just finished reading “it’s okay to walk away” My phone is filled with tears… let’s just say “He really walked away”… after years and years of pain, it honestly was the best thing in the world! It gave me back ME and a life and a love I never imagined really existed! I dreamed it but never believed it! Betrayal is a horrible thing! It affects your mind, heart and physical health and ribs you of what you deserve! Nobody wants to break their families apart but being with a dishonest man is not healthy! It’s an abuse! I spent years in therapy and I’m happy to say at 50 years old, I met and married the man of my dreams… the man who love ALL of me and loves me for who I am! And vice versa! Both of our hearts had been broken but we worked individually to heal them before God brought us together! I would be lying to say that the pain still creeps in at time from triggers but it’s a blessing to have a partner that understands! Thanks so much for sharing your story! I too have wanted to share my story and write a book to help other women (and men like my husband) that have survived betrayal! You and your girls are in my prayers and I know the life you deserve is here! You deserve all the joys and blessings that life has to give you! Merry Christmas to you and your beautiful girls! Xo
Phyllis says
You are a tower of strength and an inspiration to many!
Jamila Abdelmuti says
Wow Brittany I really needed that girl….. I went through being in a marriage feeling the same things you did about myself…. even though I was only married for 3 years having someone who you planned a future with who ripped your soul out by all the disrespect that person had for me as a woman. It took me a long time to get over it he basically left me with nothing and I have yet to recover from not even having a home and this happened to me in 1992 and I’m still struggling and I never did find love again or had any children….. I’m just now wanting a place to call home and to find that someone who will love and respect for me. Thank you for this Jamila
Jennifer says
You are a light and give me hope. After finalizing a divorce recently after over 20 years of marriage, there were days that the weight of it all felt suffocating to me and truthfully some days I still feel it. You give me hope that it will all be okay. That my sweet kiddos will be okay. That I will be okay. I love watching your stories and seeing how joyful you are even on days that I imagine that still feel difficult. I appreciate your honesty, transparency, resiliency, and strength. It makes this sisterhood feel even more real.
Kristen says
I’ve followed your blog for years and remember when you sold your colorful staircase home and purchased the historic wonderland. Your style has always been so inspiring to me, and in fact some of the major design decisions I made in my new kitchen were inspired by yours. I’m embarrassed to admit that at some point, as a fledgling interiors blogger, I felt envious of your obvious success and wondered why I could not achieve the same. I know God has different paths for everyone, and it is so beautiful to see how He has had you on this amazing journey for a reason. You are exactly where you are supposed to be, impacting hundreds of thousands of people and inspiring so many. You are doing a fabulous job as a newly single mama to your beautiful girls, and I will keep you all in my prayers! Also, this new man in your life sounds pretty awesome! So so happy for you! You deserve all the GOOD things!
Leah Caton says
Love your blog and your heart! Thank you for sharing. When you find “the one” the process is worth it because you are so thankful and do not take the love, respect and attention for granted. Been there done that and there is no T-shirt (other than the adorable one I ordered from Addison’s Wonderland Boutique with the awesome quote) but there is life and happiness and fulfillment! I have been happily remarried for over 15 years and our song is Bless the Broken Road” by Rascal Flatts Best Wishes for the future! You’ve Got This!
Nicole says
Read this and it was like reading my own story. I’m 10 years on the other side of “the end” and can honestly say it gets so much better. My son is in college and thriving. We’ve grown so much together through all of it. It’s amazing to look back with no regrets. You did what you thought was best for your girls. You can say you tried. One day they will respect you even more for this – trust me! Wishing you all the best in this new year.
Denise says
So excited for you and your girlies! Congratulations on arriving to a place of peace and hope. It really is true that the Lord works in mysterious ways and will use any and all things for good. So sorry for your hard times but definitely looking forward to the beautiful new road you will have. Although we’ve never met, I feel like you’re an old friend and can’t help but cry with you, laugh with you and be so darn excited about your new found happiness. Be blessed, Brittany!! Xoxo
Frankie Villar says
I found this post two years after you made, but at the perfect time for me. Thank you for being so open and real, you were just another sign from the universe today.
Patricia Downes says
Better Homes and Garden Christmas Ideas has a picture of your youngest child’s bedroom. There is a poster on her wall, the ending saying “when she wakes she will move mountains” but the top is hidden behind the canopy. Would you please email to me the entire saying? Thank you for your creativity and heart.